Hmm, so it's 330 am. I've been gone for a while from this place.
Right now I am thinking about... I am running an endless loop. My bedroom is in shambles. You may find yourself on a futon on the floor, amongst piles of clothes, with a total stranger living outside your bedroom door, and you may ask yourself, how did I get here?
Getting to know a new roommate: ease her into your reality. Do not be too kind nor too distant. But prepare her for the inevitable nonsense that will ensue.
I find sleep to be a struggle. When I close my eyes, the stage of a 27 year old game show lights up with smiling, eager mes waiting to have their turn on tv. Only the host is a critic, making snide comments and interrupting everyone. "shut up! you will never win the prize with those answers!" the next contestant takes the lead and starts a wonderful oratory. Brilliantly scribing words into the air with grand hand gestures and cadence. Not suddenly, but quickly the words fall from the air, disintegrating on their way down. The proud contestant is still moving his mouth but his eyes show despair while the sound fades to a muffled wawawowowo and then to silence. Up starts contestant #1
again. Off base and not even caring what the question is, hoping to be granted the prize using pity. In chimes the host. "No, no, no. Would you just shut up? #3
, what have you to save us from this nightmare?" dan3 is relaxed and cool, leans forward to the mic... "just sleep, sleep"
So close to winning the beloved prize of unconsciousness. So near until #1
says something dejectedly, quietly. "damn you for speaking!" our beloved host cries out at earsplitting levels. So on it goes until i sit up and light another cigarette. 411 now.
Is it possible to get sleep without sleeping? I mean if you are really still and breathe slowly. Does that count for anything? Perhaps staring into this laptop screen of mellow blue-white is hindering the sleep process. Undoubtedly my body will at some point pull me unwittingly face down to my pillow and suddenly, sweet slumber. I'll wake up groggy and unaware of the favor granted by my subconscious. On to the order of the day. No order really, just whatever seems necessary. Workout at 9, cancel? work at 10, move to 12? whatever. cars, radio stations, blabber... remotes, tvs, plastic and glass. another day. depressed lately? The thing about it is you don't really want to feel better, until you do, and than you're not depressed anymore.